Monthly Archives: January 2013

Fear Has Consumed Me

My breath catches somewhere in my throat, as my heart races way too fast.  Silent tears spill, one after the other, down my face, followed by my muffled sobbs.  I am torn and shattered, lost and confused. 

You see today I put on my makeup, borrowed a smile from the past, and faced the world as if – as if yesterday had been different.  Yet tonight as I face the silent darkness my fears are once again alive. 

My reality is bleak and motionless in this moment.  The only movement is from the steady river streaming down my face. 

Yesterday I was relieved of my job of almost five years.  With no write-ups or formal inquires I am still frozen in fear and disbelief. 

Tomorrow I shall hold my head high, once again with a borrowed smile and a pretend phasad. 

I seek strength for the unknown – enough for one more day and the peace to make it through. 

Serenity I seek…..

Wizard Lacking Wisdom 001

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Lost but Still Searching

Sometimes time stands still in our minds and we never recover from the depths that we find ourselves lost in.  Ultimately devouring our own souls because we fail to nourish our spirit.  We suffer much longer than most realize when our wounds are from the people that we once loved, and probably at some point cherished.

It is difficult to separate hurt from hate, some days they feel the same.  Hate is much easier to control and maneuver than hurt.  We can only be hurt by people and things we are passionate about.  Hate is an easy word to toss around and then disregard because we can easily detach from it.  Hurt is deep seeded and has roots embedded into our very core.

Today I am challenged by hurt, by hate and by all of the emotions that are vibrant within these words and the feelings they evoke.  There is no reasoning available when we are emotionally charged and emotionally engaged.

I seek wisdom only to find ignorance, I seek peace only to find confusion, I seek silence only to hear static noise, I seek sleep only to find nightmares.  I need to quiet the screaming in my soul.  I need to ease the pain in my heart. I need to nourish my spirit, and I need to comfort my inner child.  Where I have sought shelter I have found devastation, where I have sought solitude I have found chaos, where I have sought peace I have found pain.

Today I am an island surrounded by a raging sea.  I am bound to my own inner noise, the crushing pressure that threatens to implode my mind.  Empty darkness swallows my soul and my spirit is lost and lonely.  I am bound by a feeling that most will never understand.  True desperate desolation does devour ones own being.

Rescue me.  Set my mind, my heart and my spirit free.  Renew my soul.  Allow my inner child to run free, to find her laughter and forget that anything can ever, ever hurt this much.

Today my heart breaks for my children, it breaks also for what and who you always will be.  Now it’s time to stand back and revere the sleeping giant you have awoke, for it dwarfs even the beasts that nightmares are made of.

Self Discovery…….

Sometimes I find myself pondering why and if, such tiny words, yet they can drive the forces that command our attention and divert our focus.

Today I asked myself what really matters to me, and I was surprised that I pondered it for the day. All the things we take for granted come quickly to mind, my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my home, my animals, and even my job, and yet the question stayed with me, taunting me to look deeper.

As the thoughts rolled within my mind I realized that what I was really asking myself was – who I am, because that is what orchestrates what matters to me. I am passionate, motivated, kind hearted, a thinker, a doer, a force to be reckoned with. I am equipped with a gentle spirit, a tough outer shell, an amazing inner child, and a few God given talents.

I look to find the good in people; it makes me angry when others settle. I have compassion for things that matter and some that don’t. My heart aches to see my friends in pain. I find total peace in the beauty of nature, and serenity behind the lens of my camera.

Along the road we call life I’ve learned a few things that are worth sharing. Wisdom and knowledge should be sought, love is priceless, and respect must be earned, but should always be given. Speak your mind when it matters, listen to that still small voice, and trust your gut. Know when to say no, never be too proud to say you’re sorry, know when you’re wrong, always say please and thank you. Always kiss your momma. Know when to be still, try to accept that you can’t fix everything or anyone. If it won’t matter in 5 years it’s probably not important, and most of all learn to forgive yourself.

Thank you for sharing my journey of self-discovery…………..

Stroke Of Midnight

As 2012 began to close its eyes I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be.  I perched quietly on my bed, snuggled in my pj’s, with my favorite blanket, reading a new book. The mesmerizing sounds of muffled children’s laughter floated down the stairs mixing with the roar of my restless lovers sawing snores creating rhythmic music to which my heart beats.  While reading my mind floated in and out the story and reminisced through the passing year. 

As the new year opened her eyes I felt blessed to be allowed me to wish my lifelong friend a happy new year, hug and kiss the children that had created the muffled laughter and to gently stroke my husbands smooth bald head while whispering sweet nothings of the new year softly into his sleepy ear. 

My mind traveled through the past twelve months, so many memories, lives begun, and lives ended.  There is beauty in the gift of reminiscing in the quiet wee morning hours when the world is so still, no demands, no interruptions, just precious stillness.

Goodbye to 2012, hello and welcome to 2013.  Hello to new ideas, new beginnings, and fresh starts.  Hello to new resolutions that we will chase and maintain for now, only to walk away from and ultimately forget until it is time to do it again next year. 

Wizard Wisdom 101