Lost but Still Searching

Sometimes time stands still in our minds and we never recover from the depths that we find ourselves lost in.  Ultimately devouring our own souls because we fail to nourish our spirit.  We suffer much longer than most realize when our wounds are from the people that we once loved, and probably at some point cherished.

It is difficult to separate hurt from hate, some days they feel the same.  Hate is much easier to control and maneuver than hurt.  We can only be hurt by people and things we are passionate about.  Hate is an easy word to toss around and then disregard because we can easily detach from it.  Hurt is deep seeded and has roots embedded into our very core.

Today I am challenged by hurt, by hate and by all of the emotions that are vibrant within these words and the feelings they evoke.  There is no reasoning available when we are emotionally charged and emotionally engaged.

I seek wisdom only to find ignorance, I seek peace only to find confusion, I seek silence only to hear static noise, I seek sleep only to find nightmares.  I need to quiet the screaming in my soul.  I need to ease the pain in my heart. I need to nourish my spirit, and I need to comfort my inner child.  Where I have sought shelter I have found devastation, where I have sought solitude I have found chaos, where I have sought peace I have found pain.

Today I am an island surrounded by a raging sea.  I am bound to my own inner noise, the crushing pressure that threatens to implode my mind.  Empty darkness swallows my soul and my spirit is lost and lonely.  I am bound by a feeling that most will never understand.  True desperate desolation does devour ones own being.

Rescue me.  Set my mind, my heart and my spirit free.  Renew my soul.  Allow my inner child to run free, to find her laughter and forget that anything can ever, ever hurt this much.

Today my heart breaks for my children, it breaks also for what and who you always will be.  Now it’s time to stand back and revere the sleeping giant you have awoke, for it dwarfs even the beasts that nightmares are made of.


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