Some nights I find myself lying in my bed, while the world is fast asleep, trying desperately to keep my eyes open and read just a few more words. Just keep reading – I tell myself, until finally my eyes are so heavy and my mind is so numb there is no choice but to sleep.
I fight to stay awake, knowing that if I put the words down, before the collapse of my eye lids, my mind will quickly shift to itself and relive each moment of the latest happening. It’s a sort of self cannibalism. Hearing every word again, reliving every emotion, rethinking every reaction, saying if only, or I should have.
A bad decision can become a travisty in the depths of a tired mind. Words unsaid, in a once in a lifetime moment of opportunity, quickly become a leather whip. Even a great day, or an amazing moment is sometimes revisited over and over, rethought, and relived.
Most days this can be tamed, but sometimes it swallows all reality, and then spews it back at me. A new, regurgitated version of my life oozing through my veins, searing my soul.